Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Randi Rhodes: Frothy Ricky Wins

Mississippi and Alabama have spoken. And it’s pretty clear what they said, despite the missing teeth. Voters in Mississippi and Alabama rejected both Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich—which is the first sign of intelligence we’ve seen from voters in Mississippi and Alabama. Then they went and blew it all by voting for Rick Santorum. In his victory speech, Rich Santorum said “We did it again.” Somehow, when Rick Santorum says that, it sounds like he spilled something. That’s OK, Rick. We’ll get a mop.

Today, Mitt Romney is left with the taste of bitter grits. Mitt finished third place in both Mississippi and Alabama. And Ron Paul’s numbers are so pathetic at this point that there essentially is no fourth place. So after another stinging rebuke, Mitt Romney is left to argue delegate math. At least Mitt’s delegate math arguments are remotely connected to real math, which is more than you can say for his economic numbers. And anything is better than listening to him recite the lyrics to “America the Beautiful.” But Mitt’s delegate math argument essentially boils down to him saying “I’ll be the pick—even if nobody wants me.”

Republican voters last night thought that Mitt Romney was the most electable, but that he was not conservative enough. Has it occurred to you geniuses that being electable and being radically conservative might be mutually exclusive properties?

After last night, Newt Gingrich is running on $2.50 gas fumes. After his defeat, Newt delivered yet another victory speech. Newt tried to make the point that Mitt Romney was not inevitable. Newt, Mitt might not be inevitable, but you’re impossible. Newt Gingrich’s entire campaign is based on promising voters that he will deliver gas prices of $2.50 a gallon. He’s one step away from sending out emails promising a way to enlarge your penis... if you just make him president. Newt thinks he can command the laws of supply and demand. I have news for you, Newt—the laws of economics aren’t as easy to break as, say, the ethics rules in Congress. Newt must think that the voters are a bunch of idiots. Actually, that might not be such a bad assumption when your whole campaign is based on a Southern strategy.

Today’s Homework | Discuss

Stephen Colbert on the Southern-fried anti-science pandering from the GOP candidates...

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