Friday, January 13, 2012

Randi Rhodes: Newt Dusting Off The Classics

It’s Friday the 13th, ya bastids!

And its 2012! Today, the superstitious and the Mayans are combining to create the perfect storm of Doom Prophecy. If we can just find a way to link today to the Book of Revelations, we’ve got the Apocalypse Trifecta! This year, there are actually three Friday the 13ths, all occurring within exactly 13 weeks. For the superstitious, it’s the worst thing this side of having to walk through a parade of black cats. The clinical term for fear of Friday the 13th is paraskevidekatriaphobia. Who comes up with these phobia names? They should just call it Fridaythe13thphobia. That’s actually shorter and easy to remember.

Newt Gingrich has begun airing anti-Romney ads that show Mitt in various awkward moments. In one clip Mitt says “I’ve always been a rodent and rabbit hunter, small varmints, if you will.” Varmints, Mitt? You sound like the banker Mr. Drysdale on an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies. Here’s a little advice, Mitt—the term “varmints” doesn’t mesh well with the phrase “if you will.” It’s like saying “pass the grits, my good fellow.” Mitt says “I began when I was 15 and hunted those kind of varmints more than two times.” Wow, more than two times! Since you were 15? Why, that’s almost once every 25 years. What happens, Mitt? Every two-and-a-half decades or so, you just wake up itchin’ to shoot yourself a nice fat muskrat for the stewpot?

Another clip Newt is using shows Romney talking about the infamous “family dog on the roof of the car” story. Well, you knew that one was going to hit the fan... or the windshield, as the case may be. Mitt, you may have managed to hose down the dog and the car back when the incident happened, but poor Seamus is still going to crap all over your presidential run in 2012. Imagine how that poor dog felt on the roof of the car. That’s how each one of us is going to feel if Mitt Romney is at the wheel of the United States. What I’m saying is, if Mitt Romney is elected president, don’t bother putting on clean underwear. They’re going to get ruined anyway.

Finally, Rick Perry is imploring his supporters not to “quit” on him. Sad. Rick couldn’t look more desperate if he was holding a boombox playing “In Your Eyes” over his head.

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