Randi Rhodes: And the Winner Is... Nobody

Amazing! We still don’t have a winner in Iowa. Not that it was too close to call. It was incredibly close, but Mitt Romney did get a few more votes. I’m just saying there is no winner in Iowa. Romney, the GOP establishment-anointed candidate, barely squeaked past Rick Santorum—a guy who couldn’t get re-elected to his own Senate seat. And Mitt “beat” Rick Santorum by 8 votes. You could deliver a more convincing beating with a feather duster.

HOUR TWO GUEST: Frank Rich of New York Magazine will ruminate on Iowa and discuss his latest essay, “The Molotov Party: For the new GOP, conservative isn’t nearly radical enough”

Rick Santorum reacted to the results by declaring “Game on!” Face it Rick, when it comes down to it, you couldn’t even beat Mitt Romney—and 75 percent of Republicans are begging for someone to beat Mitt Romney. I have a great idea for Rick Santorum. If he wants to win the rest of the primaries, he should just change his name to “Rick Not-Mitt-Romney.”

Ron Paul came in a very close third. People aren’t talking about Ron Paul’s performance as much because he isn’t viewed as a serious candidate—which immediately brings up the question “And Rick Santorum IS?” Ron Paul made all those arguably racist statements years ago… unlike Rick Santorum, who made a very arguably racist statement this last weekend.

Newt Gingrich came in an embarrassing forth place. He boarded a plane out of Iowa before the clock even struck midnight. Nice try, Cinderella, but you can’t escape the fact that your time is up. Newt was in a very bad mood on that flight out of Iowa. The only thing that could have made him more angry is if Bill Clinton had appeared at the airport and told Newt he couldn’t sit in the front of the plane. Still, Newt isn’t quitting the race. Hey, don’t give up your amateur paleontology.

Michele Bachmann came in last place (if you don’t count Jon Huntsman, and we don’t). That’s absolutely perfect, but then it would have been perfect if any of these losers came in last. It’s just a shame that only one of them could do it. It seems that even she couldn’t convince herself that she still had a chance... and this is a woman who has convinced herself for 43 years that her husband is heterosexual. Come on, Michele—stay in the race. It can’t be any more difficult or delusional than staying in that marriage of yours.

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Earlier today President Obama steamrolled obstructionist Senate Repubs with a recess appointment of Richard Cordray to the post of director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau...

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