Monday, December 5, 2011

Randi Rhodes: Cain Train Derails

Well, Herman Cain has pulled out... and not for the first time, judging from the fact that nobody has come forward with Herman’s love child. I would like to say that Herman Cain will be missed... because that would mean he was going to go away. But sadly that is not the case. Herman was defiant to the end… even to the point that he won’t admit that it’s the end. Cain shouted “I am not going to be silenced! And I’m not going away!” I’m sure he meant it as a promise, but it sounded more like a threat.

Of course, Herman had his wife, Gloria, there for his announcement, literally standing behind him and cheering him on. I hate to say this, but I’m starting to think she might actually deserve Herman Cain. How exactly did Herman convince Gloria to go along with this embarrassment? And by that, I mean their entire marriage. Classy move, having the little woman there, Herman. I don’t know if you got the memo, but standard practice these days is not to humiliate your spouse any further than you already have. That rule went into effect after clearly confused Mrs. Senator David Vitter wore a Bettie Page outfit to a press conference about her husband’s dalliances with hookers.

Another part of Cain’s new plan is to launch a website. I hope he came up with that idea himself, because if he got it from Newt Gingrich, it cost him a couple million dollars. It seems that a lot of Cain supporters are now gravitating to Newt Gingrich. “Gravitating” is a good word because it implies falling even further down. Going from Herman Cain to Newt Gingrich is like jumping from the slimy frying pan into the sleazy fire. But what else are these people going to do? After you’ve been with Herman Cain, who else would have you? Wake up, Republicans! When Newt Gingrich floats to the top, that’s a sign that something is seriously wrong... just like if a bloated corpse that Newt looks so much like floats to the surface of a lake. It’s time to drain the lake.

Today, Newt and the Donald announced that they were going to select 10 underprivileged students to serve as “apprenti” to Donald Trump. Yeesh. These kids would be better off in Newt’s original plan—scrubbing toilets.

Today’s Homework | Discuss

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