Randi Rhodes: Pity the Banks

Herman Cain has a plan to help Americans who are facing foreclosure! He said he “would get the government off the backs of the banks.” Brilliant! You know what might work even better, Herman? An electrified fence. Seriously. Just let the banks wait until you have to step out for a minute, and they can throw up an electrified fence around your home so you can’t return. “Get the government off the back of the banks!” Herman! You were asked how you would help people who are facing foreclosure, not how you would help people who are doing the foreclosing. Herman Cain would stop foreclosures by letting banks do whatever they want to. How would he stop terrorism—by allowing the terrorists to do whatever they want to? According to Herman Cain’s logic the way to secure our border would be to remove all restrictions for crossing the border.

Then Cain said this about the banks: “They want to help people, they really do.” But they can’t because of “the threat of government regulations.” Then Cain added (this is real) that “Some of it is the threat of the whole Obamacare thing.” OK. To summarize—the reason that the banks can’t create a heaven on Earth for us is affordable healthcare. The banks would never foreclose on anyone’s home, if only health insurance companies were allowed to deny coverage due to preexisting conditions. Got that? How does Herman Cain know all this? He said “I’ve had bankers tell me this.” Oh! Now everything is really starting to make sense. Herman! On the list of people to believe, bankers come in near the bottom, below used car salesmen, strippers, carnival barkers, amphetamine addicts, late night infomercial spokesmen, Balloon Boy’s dad, and Nigerian princes.

FYI, Herman, banks make more money from foreclosures than they do by modifying a mortgage—they won’t modify your mortgage because it doesn’t pay. Incidentally, that’s the same reason a banker won’t pee on you if you’re on fire.

Finally, Moammer Gadhafi is dead—before we even were able to agree on a spelling for his name. The news of Gadhafi’s death just broke earlier today. I’m counting how long it takes for conservatives to give the credit to waterboarding.

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Mitt Romney shared his foreclosure "solution" earlier this week: help the banks throw you out onto the street even faster...