Posted by Caitlin Thornton
Shockingly enough, steamy-hot sex doesn’t cut it for everyone. For some, fulfilling a fetish adds that necessary spark in the sack. Where fetishes stem from, no one’s exactly sure, but we’re getting all Freudian to determine what the freaky stuff that turns you on says about your past—and how to express some fetishes without maxing out your credit card on a phone sex operator.
A common fetish, getting hot and bothered by feet means you probably weren’t picked up much as a baby, leaving your little drooling face in constant confrontation with people’s piggies. This, and/or your mom made you give her corned feet a rub, and maybe even a manicure, regularly during your elementary school career. Embrace this fetish for the horrifyingly ugly body part that is a foot by securing a part-time job at a shoe store. We also hear there’s a great foot fetish party in New York’s Financial District (surprise, surprise).
If the thought of someone sucking on a Camel makes you crazy, don’t think too hard about the source of this fetish—flash back to the time when your great aunt Ruth gave you a bath with a Virginia Slim sticking out of the corner of her mouth. Explains why you like that husky, scratchy smoker’s voice too. Sexy. Watch episodes of Mad Men in place of porn, and find that special someone at your local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. We don’t have to tell you to always keep a lighter on hand, just in case someone needs it (just try not to stare).
They’re big, bright, and kind of annoying, but balloons drive you wild. That squeaking sound they make when rubbed—it’s like a million women moaning at your touch. Speaking of touched, did you happen to repress any birthday parties you attended as a child? How do you feel about clowns? Clown suits? We’re just curious. Stay after every get together from here on out and offer to clean up (a.k.a. watch others fondle and pop your favorite sort of latex). Think ahead by bringing a batch of balloons to parties—everyone will mistake your perviness for kindness.
4 Giant Women
Amazon women are your dream women. The bigger, the better. That part in Alice in Wonderland—where she grows and is practically wearing the house she was in—makes you hot. You must’ve been a wee one when your sexual fixation began, looking up at the big, sexy world. Unfortunately, you might not be able to live your wildest fantasies out—the tallest woman in Guinness was 7’ 7’’, which is miniscule compared to what you’re looking for, and she recently passed away. Bummer. Photoshop pictures of you in the palms of your favorite celebs, print out, and enjoy.
Your girlfriend perfected her best robot voice, and you called her your Sexbot. You’ve watched the Femme-Bot scene in Austin Powers so many times the DVD no longer works right. Your childhood was spent having too much fun playing with your Omnibot 2000, watching Star Wars, and dreaming up ways technology will be advanced to “serve” you. You’ve been saving up for a humanoid robot straight out of Japan, but in the meantime attend comic book conventions (which we all know are geek orgies, anyways).
2 Snot, Squashing Bugs, and Other Nasty Things
What’s sick to some is lust-worthy to you: a foot stepping on a bug, glorious mucus dripping from noses and being blown all over your face. Your years as a young thing most likely involved an odd combination of older brothers or neighborhood bullies and an inability to develop distaste for the stuff that makes others nauseous. Think of this fetish as a teenage-boy form of S&M. With a whole bug-squashing adult film category, we’re certain there’s someone out there for you.
1 Adult Diapers, Large Cribs, Etc.
If you’ve Googled “Adult Babies,” you will most likely fit this category. We’re sorry to say you that if you’re into this sort of thing, you’ve probably had no childhood at all. In fact, you were probably born as a little man wearing a suit, a tie, a comb over, and a lack of imagination. This fetish developed as a way to relive the lost years of shitting your own pants and babbling like a drunken idiot. That’s cool if you’re into bland individuals going home, donning a diaper and bonnet, and sitting in an oversized crib—we guess—but we can’t really direct you to a source for where to go to embrace this particular fetish. Good luck.