Randi Rhodes: If the Tea Party Ran Chile

Thankfully, as I write this, the efforts to rescue the Chilean miners are progressing smoothly. If this sort of rescue operation were being run by American conservatives, they would only be rescuing those miners who had paid their $75 “mining disaster rescue fee” in advance. You know that if Rand Paul had been in charge, he would have opposed any rescue operation that used public money. What am I saying? If Rand Paul had been in charge, whatever mine safety laws there were would have been so weak that nobody would have survived. And Joe Miller from Alaska certainly wouldn’t have wanted to spend any tax dollars on rescuing these miners. But if there was public money being spent, he would find a way to funnel some of it to his family. If it was Sharron Angle who was in charge, the only thing she would have done is to get these miners some massages from the Church of Scientology. That’s probably better than Christine O’Donnell. All she would do is send the miners down some anti-masturbation literature… in case they’re faced with temptation during those long weeks in the ground.

It turns out that Carl Paladino, who was so scandalized upon seeing a gay parade, had no problem being the landlord for two gay nightclubs. It seems Carl had no problem with gay people—as paying tenants. Carl Paladino doesn’t necessarily want gays to remain in the closet… just to remain in some place where they’re paying exorbitant rent to Carl Paladino. Yes, Carl doesn’t care if he thinks your lifestyle isn’t “valid,” as long as the check is good.

The Supreme Court has refused to hear the case of two people who were barred from a speech by George Bush because they had a bumper sticker reading “No Blood for Oil.” And no free speech rights for you! People! If you want First Amendment rights, maybe you should become a corporation. Bumper stickers aren’t free speech—money is free speech. These people should have pasted a million dollar check to a political action committee onto their bumper. The saddest part is that what these people were unfairly deprived of was the right to go and hear George Bush speak. I realize they’re making an important legal point, but frankly, they’re better off.

Today’s Homework Discuss

Because Sarah Palin can’t possibly do all the heavy lifting when it comes to lying about healthcare reform, Jack Black stars as The Mis-Informant…