Randi Rhodes: Satan Patrol

There’s a Republican candidate debate tonight—finally. Boy, there’s something I never thought I’d say. After suffering from debate overload a few weeks ago, I find I kind of miss them. I’ve gone a month without hearing Newt Gingrich say the phrase “food stamp president.” The last debate was way back on January 26 in Florida. Newt Gingrich was riding high, and “Santorum” was just a dirty word on Google. Now Santorum is in the lead. If you remember, under the naughty definition of “Santorum,” Santorum was always in the rear.

A video has surfaced of Rick Santorum saying that Satan himself is systematically destroying America. Rick said “The Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on... America!” The term “Father of Lies” is another name for Satan, in case you wondered why he was talking about Frank Luntz. Rick asked his audience “If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?” I don’t know, Rick. Unlike you, I’m not that good at putting myself in Satan’s shoes, or Satan’s hooves, as the case may be. Why would a guy like Rick Santorum think that Satan was destroying America? The alternative is for him to realize that it’s idiots like him who are destroying America. The Santorum speech about Satan is being heavily pushed by the Drudge Report, which supports Mitt Romney. I’m sure that now Rick Santorum thinks Matt Drudge is in league with Satan. Well there, Rick—you and I may have found some common ground!

When pressed about whether Satan is attacking America, Santorum said “These are questions that are not relevant to what’s being discussed in America today.” Um, OK... you’re saying that Satan is attacking America... but we have bigger problems?! Great. Now Rick Santorum is saying “Yes, the Lord of Darkness is devouring America. But let’s talk about jobs.” We may end up burning forever in a lake of fire, but first, let’s get unemployment under 8 percent.

With all this Satan talk, Rick Santorum looks like the craziest person in the world. And that’s not good for the other candidates, because the Republican base is looking for the craziest person in the world.

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