Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Randi Rhodes: America's Wang

Well, Mitt won Florida, but he didn’t win all of Florida. Look at the results on a map. Mitt won the dangle. Newt won most of the Florida panhandle—the part where Florida’s testicles would be, if it had any. If you look at a map of last night’s electoral results, the dangle and the panhandle are completely different colors. It looks like Florida is wearing a condom. So how did the Keys get there? There is a section right in the middle of the dangle that went for Newt—pretty much where the Everglades are. I guess Newt won the alligator vote, which makes perfect sense. The alligators are going to vote for the vicious, swamp-dwelling reptile in the race.

Newt was defiant during his concession speech. How defiant? Well for starters, there was no concession. The crowd at Newt’s speech was waving signs that said “46 states to go!” I’m not surprised. Well, I’m a little surprised that they got the math right. Newt vowed that he is going all the way to the Republican convention. That sound you heard was the Republican convention changing all the locks. It’s going to be fun watching Newt lose. And on those occasions when he pulls out another win, it’ll be fun watching Mitt lose. It’s a win-win! I know—in every state, either Newt or Mitt is actually winning. But I try to just concentrate on the fact that the other one lost. I like to look on the bright side. Does Newt Gingrich have the sheer brass it takes to keep on going? Look at this way—here is a guy who wakes up every morning, realizes that he is Newt Gingrich, and still goes out to meet the world.

Mitt and Newt simply do not like each other. Statistically speaking, that would be most likely—nobody likes either one of these guys. What are the odds that they would like each other? Both Mitt and Newt know a hypocritical phony when they see one... unless, of course, if they see one in the mirror. According to a media study group, this Republican primary in Florida was the most negative campaign ever. The ads run by the Romney campaign were 100 percent negative! Think about that. Mitt Romney literally didn’t have a single positive thing to say about himself. The super-PAC backing Newt Gingrich actually ran ads that were only 53 percent negative. Look at that, Mitt! Newt managed to say positive things about himself... and there are no positive things about him!

Today’s Homework | Discuss

Mittens stepped in it again today, declaring that he has no interest in helping the poor because they have a safety net...

No comments: