Randi Rhodes: Painful Courtship

Valentine’s Day is here, and the Republican Party can’t seem to decide who its sweetheart is going to be. They have their choice of four ardent suitors, none of whom really have the qualities they’re looking for. Most recently, there’s been Rick Santorum. He’s exciting and new, but still unknown. He looks so dashing in those sweater vests, but then every once in a while he says something that comes off as just plain weird. I’m afraid there may be some things going on under the surface there.

At least he’s not that awful Mitt Romney! Mitt is the guy their parents want them to marry. He comes from a good family, he’s got oodles of money, and he’s so handsome. So what it is it about this guy that just turns them off so much? Mitt just tries too hard. He actually scares them away when he comes on so strong. Back off a little, Mitt. They want some space. Mitt says all the right things, but somehow he never seems to mean it. I suspect that he doesn’t love the Republican Party for their policies. He just loves the idea of being the one they picked.

Then there’s Ron Paul, the older guy who likes to come off as an outsider. Ron is SOOOO intellectual! He’s always talking philosophy. He doesn’t give a damn what people think! Of course, they know that Ron Paul would be an absolute disaster in an actual relationship. But they flirt with him just because it pisses their parents off.

Of course, Newt Gingrich is the creepy ex who keeps hanging around. They had a thing in the 90’s, and it turned into a nightmare. Then, for some crazy reason, when Newt showed back up last year, they had another little dalliance with him in South Carolina. It didn’t take long to be reminded of just how crazy Newt can be, so they broke it off right away. But Newt doesn’t want to accept that. At this point, Newt doesn’t even want a relationship. He just hates the handsome rich boy Mitt so much that he wants to sabotage his chances.

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, the state of Washington has legalized gay marriage. Now on a visit to Washington, Rick Santorum called for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. For Rick, it was like visiting a disaster area. He was there to promise local homophobes that help was on the way.

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Newt is asked about his Valentine's Day plans - we'll just assume the reporter meant with Callista...

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