Randi Rhodes: Still Not Satisfied

Who will step forward to save the Republican Party from itself? Just a few days after Rick Perry jumped into the GOP race, Republicans are already starting to beg new Republicans to enter. Perry has barely had a chance to start saying all the stupid things he has planned to say. Now Republicans are talking about getting Paul Ryan to run, or Chris Christie, or Jeb Bush. Heck, what about Jenna Bush? Or Reggie Bush? I know, Reggie isn’t one of them, but he’s got the name!

The Republicans are emptying the bench. They’re like a panicked baseball manager going through all his relief pitchers in the middle innings of an important game. They’re going to run out of righties! They’ll run out living Republicans and start suggesting names like Ronald Reagan and Barry Goldwater. OK, that could never happen. Reagan and Goldwater aren’t conservative enough to appeal to the base. Heck, Tim Pawlenty should announce that he’s considering a run for president. They’re so desperate they’re liable to forget he already tried and failed.

They keep mentioning Paul Ryan. Really? That’s the best you can do? The guy who wants to destroy Medicare and who looks like a zombie? Paul Ryan would be good for getting out the “undead” vote. Animated corpses would rise from graveyards and flood the polling places like some sick version of “Day of the Dead” narrated by Chuck Todd. Face it, Paul Ryan couldn’t look any spookier unless he had a small rivulet of fresh blood dripping from the corner of his mouth.

And Chris Christie? Chris Christie could win... a sumo wrestling match. Puh-leeze! The only time I would want Chris Christie leading my team is in a tug of war, or a hot dog eating contest. Get real. Chris Christie is not going to run. Run? The man can’t even walk 100 yards to his kid’s baseball game. President Chris Christie would be having the Marine One helicopter take him to a TGI Fridays for Buffalo wings six times a week.

Republicans should do like Tibetan Buddhists do with the Dalai Lama, and just search the land for an infant who is the reincarnation of the chosen leader of the Republican people.

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