Randi Rhodes: Privatize the Junk Touching

Good news in your evolving physical relationship with the TSA: though he insists the pat-downs will continue, TSA head John Pistole says that airport screening “will be adapted as conditions warrant.” That’s only right. If you’re going to be putting your hands all over someone’s private parts, you’re going to want to be able to go with the flow. It’s a give-and-take kind of thing. Just remember, “no means no.” And “If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested” means “If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested.” Both President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said the administration is looking for ways to make the screening process less intrusive. I would hope so. If it were any more intrusive, I’d want to take a pregnancy test afterwards.

In a statement, Pistole said “We welcome feedback and comments” from the travelling public. Still, I assume that moaning “Yes! Yes! That’s it!” is not considered constructive feedback. TSA employees may not like the complaints, but overall, I think they would prefer people who complain about the pat-downs to anyone who seems to enjoy them. Really, if you want a protest that would stop these pat-downs immediately, just tell travelers who are going through the procedure to grin widely and yell “Yeah, baby!” in an Austin Powers accent.

The Republicans are joining the chorus against the TSA procedures because they want to privatize the TSA. So the only difference would be that the person with their hand on your crotch would get paid a lot less. I want well-paid, unionized TSA employees. I don’t want the person who has access to those naked full-body scans of me to be underpaid. There would be too much of a temptation to sell the scans on ebay. And I don’t want to get felt up by someone who is being underpaid. If I have to be groped, I want the person doing it to be happy.

Finally, former President Jimmy Carter says that Fox News has “deliberately distorted” the news. Well, yeah, there is some distortion. Fox is to news what Salvador Dali is to watches.

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