Monday, May 9, 2011

Randi Rhodes: Terrorist Toiletries

Among the items found at Osama bin Laden’s hideout was Avena syrup, commonly used to treat impotency. Call me cynical, but isn’t that what the multiple wives are for? Erectile dysfunction has to be especially difficult for someone who practices polygamy. “This never happens.” “Yes it does. I talked to wife number three.” This really makes the whole World Trade Center attack look a lot more Freudian. Osama, plenty of guys have erectile problems. But they don’t go around trying to knock down other guys’ “towers.”

Supposedly, there was also about a million dollars worth of marijuana plants growing on the property. Was Bin Laden a pot head? Most of the dopers I know are way too mellow to want to do something like 9/11… and way too stoned to pull it off if they did. Successful terrorism requires anger and ambition… the two qualities most absent in pot smokers.

Rightwing nutbags were trying to spread the bizarre lie that President Obama demanded the removal of American flags from Ground Zero before he would appear there. If Barack Obama hates American flags, he’s definitely gone into the wrong line of work. The President of the United States sees more flags than anyone this side of the people who work in a factory that makes them… which I assume is in China.

The Florida legislature has passed a law making it illegal to have sex with an animal. How did that vote go? When you’re passing a bill that makes it illegal to have sex with a horse, is anyone going to vote “Nay”? This is the third time the Florida legislature tried to pass a bill outlawing bestiality. The prior two were sunk because lawmakers who didn’t want to be accused of wasting time. Florida just slashed unemployment benefits. So don’t worry about “wasting time,” guys. I’d prefer it if the Florida legislature spent ALL of it’s time on issues like bestiality. In fact, with the bunch in office now, Florida would be better off if the state legislature just confined itself to doing nothing but regulating inter-species hanky-panky. At least we’d have reasonable unemployment benefits.

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